Hard Stuff

I don't blog frequently enough to truly put my feelings all out there, but this event was significant enough for me to want it documented. I didn't put it on Facebook. I didn't share with tons. But it was huge, so I want it here for future reference!

On Hayzen's birthday I found out I was pregnant. I knew. The test was just a validation. It was an utter and complete accident. Once the shock wore off we were of course, excited. But deep down I had a feeling of dread. I was scared to celebrate or tell people. And I was sick. So so so sick. Which should have let me know it was a healthy pregnancy. But something just felt wrong.

Despite all these, I still felt off. But I let it go. I was distracted by Thanksgiving, a Justin Timberlake concert, an Ice Storm, and two kids.

On December 17, my husband's birthday, we went in for our first sono. There was no heartbeat. My placenta was measuring 9 weeks. Baby had died at 6 weeks 3 days. We were inconsolable.

A D and C was scheduled for the 20th. I wanted it over with. I wanted to move past this. In the days leading up to the surgery I continued to feel pregnant. My body did not recognize the loss. It felt like a sick joke was being played on me. The surgery came, I recovered, and we headed to steamboat for three weeks like we always do in December and vowed to move on.

On Christmas Eve I started bleeding heavily. I called my OB who assured me it was normal. So we set cookies out for santa, sprinkled reindeer food, put the kids to bed, and set out all the gifts around my parent's tree. This was our first CHRISTMAS DAY to spend in Steamboat. My stepbrother was there, my sister and her husband were there, my mom was to arrive the next day, it was all supposed to be magical and perfect.

And Christmas eve was absolutely perfect

Then I woke up at 5 am. Gushing blood. Having contractions. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced in my entire life. Not to mention I had never seen so much blood. I laid there, praying for relief until the boys woke up. I was not ruining their Christmas!! I waited until they woke up, walked them into the living room so see their goodies, and promptly passed out from blood loss. :)

So this would be how I spent Christmas Day. Note that I am gripping the bed in pain. With IV narcotics. To make a long story short, my OB didn't get all the tissue the first time. So a second d and c was required...

I am choosing to be thankful that this happened in Steamboat where I was surrounded with people eager to help with my kids and wait on me hand and foot. I am thankful for the super clean, super fancy, super empty steamboat hospital. I am thankful the doctor promised to get me home for Christmas dinner, and actually did. I am thankful the rest of our trip was glorious. And I am thankful for my boys, all 3, and the hope of maybe trying for that third baby again.